“I Couldn’t Stand All That Happiness”

My mother and her best friend (see: frozen wild-berry Whistler) had a gentleman friend (circa 1950s) who when asked why he never married, would inevitably reply: “I Couldn’t Stand All That Happiness”. Too much happiness? Over the years the ladies used his quip in many other contexts, laughing conspiratorially, never explaining. I surmised that it was because he was homosexual which in the 1950s was a hard identity to own (think Rock Hudson, Liberace, Alan Turing).

My cat loves extremes: sleeping or eating (with occasional wild moments of folly!) Her world view lacks shades of grey: newly shampoo-perfumed hair is equally fragrant to her as is 5 day dirty hair. It is the intensity of the aroma that interests my cat: the extremes.

Though I washed my hair more regularly than that, I too once thrived on extremes: inwardly plunged solo creation equilibrated by unleashed communal participation.

Now, however, there can truly be what I’d call too much happiness. My nervous system can no longer accommodate towering excitement, any more than it can accommodate rabid stress.

In other words: I no longer thrive on extremes!

With Parkinson’s I Can’t Stand All That Happiness!

Just the other day I achieved the ideal balance of objective, creation, and outcome. A friend had asked me for a short texted story (on the fly, as in tout de suite!) to serve as a distraction during a boring meeting. It proved to be so distracting that my friend was only able to finish reading it after the meeting was over…

Upon hearing this, I was Perfectly Happy.

Number 25: Meditate (near Death by Chocolate)

from 
Things that are Good for Me: from Hydrate to Meditate

Meditation is used to achieve a state of relaxation, of profound calm, among other objectives. It is an extremely important part of my daily dealing with PD and its symptoms. There are many different forms of meditation. I find it easiest to lie on my yoga mat, close my eyes, and to breathe deeply from my belly, slowly and steadily (preferably while baking in the hot sun, if not on my Saint Louis balcony, then on my Vancouver living room floor - through the windows the sun feels almost African…). 

Belly breathing (as opposed to the more regular breathing with the diaphragm) stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system thus bringing about a calming state by slowing the heart rate, increasing intestinal and glandular activity, and relaxing the sphincter muscles. It is one of the most accessible forms of meditation. And to help stop the flow of conscious thoughts, you may visualize yourself in an environment you consider to be peaceful.

Peaceful Visualized Environment 1: the Capilano Suspension Bridge

In the first winter of living in Saint Louis, Sénégal, I used to close my eyes and seek a symmetrical view of the Capilano Suspension Bridge seen as if taking that first step… (I was inspired by a photo I’d seen on the side of a bus in Vancouver). I have a very strong “mind’s eye” (the artist in me) and have had the occasional full blown hallucination (no drugs involved...)

1994

Once upon a time on Mont St-Hilaire on a pointed winter walk,

having picnicked on crackers and wine, and kissed on fallen branches,

darkness fell deciding.

With my frozen feet on starlit snowy ground

And my open eyes on drummed dancing burning sand

Africa.

But I didn't know it then.

(One of the poems about my experience of being a visible minority in Sénégal in my exhibition Toubaab! at the Canadian Embassy in Dakar):

Standing there I saw not the dark mountain but a sandy beach with the flames and drumming of Africa behind the sparse vegetation of the Sahel... thus Africa snuck into my life plan ever so surreptitiously.

But somehow I could not make my inner vision of the bridge symmetrical. I struggled to centre the image but I could no longer control my mind's eye to that degree.

It insisted in looking like this: always just off centre…

Failure is not relaxing so I gave up on symetrisizing the bridge…

Peaceful Visualized Environment 2: Immersion in chocolate…

After the bridge, my peaceful visualised environment for calming was to be floating weightless, as in a flotation tank, in chocolate… I imagined myself as at one with the chocolate.

Immersion in chocolate continued to be one of my preferred mind’s eye places of peaceful relaxation until I read recently about a would-be migrant and how:

“From a ramshackle camp in the woods outside Calais, a Syrian refugee made his 18th attempt to stow away in a lorry bound for the UK…he ended up in a tank of melted chocolate - an experience that almost killed him.”

I nearly drowned in chocolate

31 March 2015

http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-32119449

He made it out of the tank and eventually into England where he found an “under the table” job.

Peaceful Visualized Environment 3: a small Caribbean island beach

So now my preferred mind’s eye place of peace is a small Caribbean island: white sand, blue waves lapping the coral shore – me lying naked in the sun (waiting for my imaginary friend-with-benefits) – a small square of 85% cocoa chocolate melting in my mouth.

Preferably not during hurricane season.